


clean

by mayaetienne



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: F/F, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Not Canon Compliant, guys let's get some mayla fics in here i cant do this by myself, tw: suicide & self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:48:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25682272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayaetienne/pseuds/mayaetienne
Summary: tw: suicide/self harmOver the years, people who've gotten better have told her that it gives you a new lens. That you appreciate a little bit more of everything, that you hold on to your family just that little longer.That'll always be a part of you. That it'll never really go away. It'll just simmer beneath the surface of your skin, waiting for it to rise again. Like you needed it to breathe. How the immense fear of knowing you could end it at any second was the only thing keeping you alive.She didn't believe in people. She didn't believe that she would have anyone worth living for. She told herself that it was selfish to lean onto someone in order to keep yourself alive. That it should be you fighting for yourself.Daphne had said one day that it's okay to be selfish, how all humans, at one point of their lives, are selfish. How the human tendency to take from others seems to be how the world works.this was written when i was convinced that skam fr would go down the lola suicide route, and wrote this as a fix it fic. read note for more.
Relationships: Maya Etienne/Lola Lecomte
Kudos: 47





	clean

**Author's Note:**

> **trigger/content warning: suicide, self harm.**
> 
> -
> 
> look, you need context for this fic.
> 
> i wrote this in may, back when mayla nation (or maybe just me) was convinced that skam fr was actually going to go down the suicide/self harm route, and absolutely screw it up (see s5 for reference).
> 
> so i wrote this fic, to be posted as a "divert from canon/fix it fic".
> 
> but skam france didn't go down that route. and thus, this fic has been in my docs for 3 months now.
> 
> i wrote this at 11pm, in one sitting. it's completely unedited so you get what you get.

She'll wonder through the fading of cracks, the memory of broken bones whether it was worth it. With every single day she goes without thinking of it, her days become longer.

Over the years, people who've gotten better have told her that it gives you a new lens. That you appreciate a little bit more of everything, that you hold on to your family just that little longer.

That'll always be a part of you. That it'll never really go away. It'll just simmer beneath the surface of your skin, waiting for it to rise again. Like you needed it to breathe. How the immense fear of knowing you could end it at any second was the only thing keeping you alive.

She didn't believe in people. She didn't believe that she would have anyone worth living for. She told herself that it was selfish to lean onto someone in order to keep yourself alive. That it should be you fighting for yourself. 

Daphne had said one day that it's okay to be selfish, how all humans, at one point of their lives, are selfish. How the human tendency to take from others seems to be how the world works.

So she allowed herself to be selfish. She allowed herself to give a little more than she should have had to this girl. This girl who she barely knew. This girl who she allowed herself to be selfish too, all because she thought she was immensely pretty.

Maybe that act of selfishness saved her. She doesn't know. They don't like thinking about it. She tells her that it constantly plays on her mind what would have happened if her metro train had been cancelled. Maybe they would have never met. She doesn't let her think about it for long.

The girl tells her that she shouldn't think about the _what if's_ of the world. That every decision she made up into that point is what led her to this moment. 

Elliot once told her, after her toxicology appointment, that Lucas had saved him. Gave him reasons he didn't know he had. She had thought it was bullshit. Looking back, it was probably the anger talking. The anger manifesting inside of her, for letting her screw up the one good person in her life. 

Love works in mysterious ways. Maybe that's why Maya still came and visited her in hospital. If the roles were reversed, she certainly wouldn't have gone. More proof that she doesn't deserve her girlfriend. She still came to the hospital, even after she was being really shitty to her that night at the diner.

She never understood why, but she gets it. All these things Daphne, Elliot, fairytales were saying was right. 

Maya held her hand whilst sleeping, she heard her cry. She heard her whisper to Daphne and Basille that they should do anything but look at her like a girl who couldn't say I love you in time. 

She thinks that's when she knew. Or at least, that's when it hit her. That for the first time, she loves someone. That she needed it. She needed the conversations, the fights, the realisations, she needed all of that. She needed the warmth of her holding her hand, silently praying for her, she needed love. And she got it. And it shouldn't have happened. 

She's a self destructive person. She understands that. She pushes people away before people even realise they want to push her away. She did that to Maya. Usually they don't come back. 

It wasn't till she was gone that she craved her. She craved the smiles between them, only them, even if they were with others. She craved the way her eyes softened everytime she looked at her, her laughs, her giggles, she craved her. She took it for granted.

She tells herself not to take it for granted anymore.

So when she wakes up, she takes the girl holding her hand and tells her _thank_ _you for staying_ and _I love you._

One day she'll be out of the hospital, and back in her own bed.

One day her and Maya will move in together, and she'll never stop thanking her for staying. For letting her be selfish and have her.

One day, when the rain pours down onto their little balcony, with Maya still holding her hand, she'll finally be clean.

**Author's Note:**

> [MAYAETlENNE](https://twitter.com/MAYAETlENNE) on twitter


End file.
